i don't know.

i don't know what to do with myself.
with my life.

i need help.

so.it's summerand that's always good.

i'm staying with my cousin, that makes me happy.

i have a job.thats greatness.

what's not so great is that i'm pretty sure my friends are starting to like me less.they like..move me down for no reason.i don't know what i'm doing wrong.i don't know how to fix things.i want happiness so bad, and i haven't really been happy in a long time.

tracie moved today.i want to call her and see how her plane ride was, but i don't want to cry again.or face the fact that she's really gone.i never kept a friend as long as her, and i can't believe it's gone.i think 7 years is the limit with ppl for me.i only really lived with my mom for 7 years, then she left.i lived with my grandma for about 8.

blahh.i fail a lot.

i don't want to be shy.i want a lot of friends.i want someone to tell me they love me and hold me.i want to feel safe.

i want to be pretty.i cannot lose weight no matter how hard i try.fhuiaryheiwa.

i hate myself.

<333

i'm at the point where i just want something really bad to happen so i can take a break.a break from life.and maybe then i could find out who really cares, who's been lying to me.i can't take it much more.i need to know.i need to know whats true.every time i drive alone, i think about how amazing it would be if someone hit me.just so i could go to the hospital.see who cares enough to call me.to come see me.every time they talk about shootings at school, i think how great it would be if they just came into my class and shot me.i need out.i need to know.i need to know how much more pain i can feel.

so i decided to turn this into an actual journal thing.because no one reads it anyways.and doing it on word takes up too much space.lol.

i have never wanted to badly to just sit and cry.and be alone with my thoughts, my pain, my tears.i want to saddness to go away.im tired of people in my family telling me i have  no reason to be depressed.i cant control that.im sick.i didnt choose to be this way.i want to be easy going.i want to be laid back.i dont want to be hurt so easily.i hate that how people see me, how they treat me controls how i see myself.i want to be happy.i miss when i didnt care about that.i miss when i didnt care about boys.i need to be loved.i need to be held.i miss that feeling you get when you're around someone like that.it was the only time that i truely felt safe.that i really  felt like someone cared about me.but after what happened i dont see how i can ever feel that way again.i know i will.im only 16 and i have a long life left to live.i just hate that it takes so long.i want love now.i want someone to be there for me.forever and for always.at least through high school.i hate that i have this need.i hate that i feel this way.i want to grow up.i want the pressures of high school to go away.i know that wont make this part any better, but i just want the next stage of my life.i dont want to be classified as a little kid.i have real feeling, real needs, and real thoughts.i have something to say.i dont want to be silenced by adults anymore.my opinion matters.when i talk i have actually put thought into what i am going to say.i want to run away.i want to leave with my thoughts, my emotions, to a place where they will mean something.a place where people can relate.where i can just sit and cry.i feel like im trapped in this house.every thing i say is wrong.every thing i feel isnt enough.i want to live my life without someone there to put me down every time i talk.i want to be happy.i say im happy, and i am.but...im not.its a complicated emotion.i want to get through this time.its lasted long enough.how much more can i go through.my life has been so trying as it is.honestly, im surprised im still here today.i just dont see the point anymore.there have been so many times when everything has just seemed like too much, and i wanted nothing more than to take my life right then and there.and i could have.but deep down i know that would disopoint someone, and i could never do that.im tired of being a failure.dont say im not.failures dont disopoint the people in their families time after time.i know i do.they tell me.im not good enough for them.these are the people that are supposed to mean the most to you.the ones that are supposed to be there for you through thick and thin.the ones you're suppposed to be able to talk to about anything and everything.i cant do any of that with my family.i cant even bring myself to cry in front of them.if i tell them whats wrong, theyll laugh and tell me how dumb it is.i want to run away.but im scared.im fear too much.you cant live your life in fear, and i need to learn not to.im so scared of everything.im scared of staying here,but im scared of leaving.theres no right way.theres no safe way.theres no way out.

i hate my body.everyday it gets worse.i cannot stand it anymore.it needds to go away.from now on i am not eating sugar.i am only drinking water.nothing unhealthy.i want to be pretty.